Witnessing violence on television or in video games really pales in comparison to witnessing violence in real life situations. Children who have been exposed to violence, such as neighborhood shootings, abusive parents, bullying at school, and so on, may develop signs of post-traumatic stress disorder, more commonly known as PTSD. PTSD leads to poor grades, difficulty concentrating, severe depression, and sometimes suicide if it is not managed with proper coping skills. Children who have witnessed real life violence are in serious danger mentally and emotionally.
Psychologists use a particular training method called "cognitive behavior therapy" to teach children skills to cope with violence. It is not as difficult as it sounds, and many psychologists are trained in the methods of cognitive behavior therapy. In fact, parents and teachers use these methods all the time without knowing it because there are sensible ways to raise children who cope with difficult situations.
Coping Skill #1: Face Fear in a Safe Environment
Children who do not face their fears internalize them, which may destroy their developing sense of self. However, these fears must be faced in a safe environment with a supportive adult who can work with the child to understand the fear.
For instance, if a child is afraid to go to school because of violence created by bullies, a caring adult can lead the child to talk about how they feel. Identifying triggers such as seeing the kid who beats up other kids, walking alone in the hallway or home from school, or hearing the bell for lunch time, helps the child and adult to diffuse the fear and understand what is going on inside their heads and hearts.
The coping skill the child learns through this exercise is how to distinguish between situations which really pose a threat and situations which are not threatening but still cause fear. Imagined threats can be solved with the child's own inner strengths. Truly bad situations must be solved through other interventions.
Coping Skill #2: Effective Social Problem Solving
If children are the victims of violence, they may have trouble relating to peers and adults because proper models of effective social interaction do not exist in their world. Even minor conflicts may cause outbursts. Cognitive behavior therapists teach children how to cope with social interactions.
The therapist starts with examples such as stories which detail problem situations. The child is asked leading questions as to how the characters should solve the problem peacefully. Through these learning exercises, the adult leads the child into considering all sides of the situation before deciding on an action.
Proper social problem-solving skills may help the child avoid violence, but they will certainly help the child manage his or her reaction to violence if it does happen. There are situations in which no coping skills will help avoid conflict but most of the time problems can be solved peacefully.
Coping Strategy #3: Create a Support Network for the Child
Ideally, the child's parents or direct guardians will be involved in all efforts to help the child cope with violence. This type of support network in which everyone is working toward the goal of a healthy child is far more effective than simply teaching the child a few strategies and letting him loose.
Any lesson which is taught by a professional must be carried over into the child's everyday life. This is where a support network of caring adults reinforces the lessons and encourages the child to think for himself and solve problems.
The support network also provides safety for the child. He knows where to go if the only solution is to avoid a violent confrontation. He also knows where to go if fear and conflict become unmanageable. These caring adults must never put the child down for poor coping skills; these skills are learned over a lifetime, after exposure to many life situations.
Deal with Depression and PTSD Immediately
It is very important for adults to learn the signs of depression and post-traumatic stress disorder if they know a child has been exposed to violence. These emotional disorders can lead to suicide if they are not treated properly. If you think a child who has been exposed to violence is in danger, talk to a qualified psychologist or other trained professional immediately.
You must always keep in mind that coping skills are not learned overnight. They require much practice and loving support from caring adults. Encourage the child to talk about feelings in a safe and non-threatening way. This will help externalize feelings about violence and help them learn a very good skill for solving emotional problems.
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The Role of Denial in Anger Management
| By Ch.hamza
Anger can be like an addiction in that people are very creative in finding all sorts of rationales for their anger and why they don't need anger management. At times it can almost appear as if they are in denial about their anger management issues. Part of the reason for this is that the way our behavior looks to us on the inside can look a whole lot different to someone on the receiving end of things.
I was in denial about my anger management problem, thinking that other people were too sensitive and that they were the ones with the problem. Sometimes people are too sensitive but when you think that pretty much everyone in your life is too sensitive (as I did) you may be in denial about the need for anger management.
Two things happened that woke me up about my need for anger control. The first occurred about 18 years ago when I was working with a couple and all of a sudden the wife just went off on her husband. It was just like looking at myself - she used the same tone of voice, the same language, had the same look in her eyes and the same body language that I used. I was absolutely shocked at how powerful and scary her reaction was. But that wasn't enough for me to realize that I had an anger management problem.
Several days later I was on the phone with a friend of mine and raised my voice, not in anger, but just because of the story I was telling him. All of a sudden my dog jumped off the chair and ran under the bed. It was then that I realized I had an anger management issue. I mean if your own dog is scared of you things are pretty bad.
So, with that in mind, lets quickly review some of the stories people with anger management problems tell themselves to minimize or justify their anger.
ANGER MYTHS
1) Venting, or taking it out on others, decreases anger. This actually reinforces the neural networks associated with anger. Becoming angry actually makes it more likely that you will get angry again.
2) Strong anger is necessary to get people to listen to me. Do you like it when others treat you with scorn? People may go along with you in the short term just to get you off their back in the end anger only produces bitterness and resentment.
3) If I don't get angry, I don't care. Anger certainly shows that you're paying attention. But does anger really get the job done any quicker or show that you care about a problem or them? Care can be shown with by being firm and patient. You can be strong without being having anger control problems.
4) Someone who makes me angry is worthless and deserves what they have coming to them. When you make mistakes do you feel like you deserve to get blasted? Treating someone as if they have no value by calling them names or saying they can't do anything right just makes it easier for you not to feel bad yourself. People with anger management problems often have low self esteem and will put someone else down to feel better about themselves. This is sort of akin to having a drink to solve your problems - it makes you feel better in the moment but does nothing to help with the real problem.
5) Showing less anger means I think the other person is right. Or, using anger management means that you are learning ways to deal with others more coolly, constructively and in the end, more effectively. Again, who do you respect more - someone who blasts you or someone who treats you with respect?
6) Every day brings all sorts of problems for me to deal with. This is true for all of us. Every day also brings a lot of good things too. The problem is what we focus on and what we tell ourselves about it that causes anger management problems.
7) Depression is anger turned inward. Actually for many depression is anger turned outward. Depressed people often show higher levels of anger and anxiety. They often struggle with anger management because its just so uncomfortable to be in their skin or because their coping resources are so depleted all they are capable of doing when stressed is lash out in anger. People struggling with anger management issues are two to three times more likely to have a psychiatric illness such as depression than those who do not struggle with anger.
I was in denial about my anger management problem, thinking that other people were too sensitive and that they were the ones with the problem. Sometimes people are too sensitive but when you think that pretty much everyone in your life is too sensitive (as I did) you may be in denial about the need for anger management.
Two things happened that woke me up about my need for anger control. The first occurred about 18 years ago when I was working with a couple and all of a sudden the wife just went off on her husband. It was just like looking at myself - she used the same tone of voice, the same language, had the same look in her eyes and the same body language that I used. I was absolutely shocked at how powerful and scary her reaction was. But that wasn't enough for me to realize that I had an anger management problem.
Several days later I was on the phone with a friend of mine and raised my voice, not in anger, but just because of the story I was telling him. All of a sudden my dog jumped off the chair and ran under the bed. It was then that I realized I had an anger management issue. I mean if your own dog is scared of you things are pretty bad.
So, with that in mind, lets quickly review some of the stories people with anger management problems tell themselves to minimize or justify their anger.
ANGER MYTHS
1) Venting, or taking it out on others, decreases anger. This actually reinforces the neural networks associated with anger. Becoming angry actually makes it more likely that you will get angry again.
2) Strong anger is necessary to get people to listen to me. Do you like it when others treat you with scorn? People may go along with you in the short term just to get you off their back in the end anger only produces bitterness and resentment.
3) If I don't get angry, I don't care. Anger certainly shows that you're paying attention. But does anger really get the job done any quicker or show that you care about a problem or them? Care can be shown with by being firm and patient. You can be strong without being having anger control problems.
4) Someone who makes me angry is worthless and deserves what they have coming to them. When you make mistakes do you feel like you deserve to get blasted? Treating someone as if they have no value by calling them names or saying they can't do anything right just makes it easier for you not to feel bad yourself. People with anger management problems often have low self esteem and will put someone else down to feel better about themselves. This is sort of akin to having a drink to solve your problems - it makes you feel better in the moment but does nothing to help with the real problem.
5) Showing less anger means I think the other person is right. Or, using anger management means that you are learning ways to deal with others more coolly, constructively and in the end, more effectively. Again, who do you respect more - someone who blasts you or someone who treats you with respect?
6) Every day brings all sorts of problems for me to deal with. This is true for all of us. Every day also brings a lot of good things too. The problem is what we focus on and what we tell ourselves about it that causes anger management problems.
7) Depression is anger turned inward. Actually for many depression is anger turned outward. Depressed people often show higher levels of anger and anxiety. They often struggle with anger management because its just so uncomfortable to be in their skin or because their coping resources are so depleted all they are capable of doing when stressed is lash out in anger. People struggling with anger management issues are two to three times more likely to have a psychiatric illness such as depression than those who do not struggle with anger.
